Letting go and following your heart…….sometimes you have to do one to have the other.
This is a little story about me and following my heart – or NOT following my heart, and also of the not letting go.
My husband and I separated in January of this year, we’d been married 8 years and known each other 9 years. The decision to leave my marriage, had been a really really really long time coming – I could say that it had been coming since I had known him for only 3 weeks (or since we made this agreement before we incarnated in this lifetime).
And so, what happens when we ignore the not actually small sign that we’re not in a situation that is right for us – now this could be a relationship – a job – a living arrangement – family….some of those things we think we can’t move on from, right? There are so many people that think they can’t leave a marriage, or a job, for whatever reason – fell they can’t follow their heart.
So I had the conversation at the start of the year, and actually it was a lot easier than I thought it would be – however – it took a whole lot of inner work and support. In effect I’d been ‘doing the work’ for over 5 years towards this outcome.
Of course that wasn’t the outcome I’d had in mind when I had my very first kinesiology session way back then…….I really thought I was going to ‘fix’ myself, because I was the one that there was something wrong with, and why couldn’t I be happy? Because on the surface, everything looked like I should be happy.
And then not being able to fix myself – or change myself in a way that would make me happy, I thought it was time to work instead on making the relationship a really good partnership, because moving forward, having a child together meant that we were in it for life, even if not in the way we had originally planned.
I guess I want to say it took a lot of work, it took a lot of time, it took a lot of courage, it took a lot of knowing that I was supported, regardless. And I’m not even talking about being supported by my family, even though they have been supportive, but just knowing that I had people around me that I could lean on, whether it was someone that I was paying, or friends.
Because – these conversations – NOBODY wants to have them, even if it’s the conversation of “Hey, I’m not happy with what’s going on here, what can we do together, or not together, to change that?” because fundamentally we all want to be happy, we all want what our heart wants right?
Did I mention that on the surface I looked like everything was great? Because there was anything wrong with him – he’s a good person, he loved me, he provided for me, supported me in what he probably thought were my out there and crazy ventures over the years, and kinda just let me really do WHATEVER I wanted, as long as I stayed. But it still wasn’t enough. I still wasn’t happy. Because it wasn’t about him at all. We really did try to make it work too – counselling, couples kinesiology….we did all the things.
But what did it really come down too? What was keeping me there if I really felt it wasn’t right for me?
That I was such a horrible person, and he’s so lovely, and WHAT IF I CAN NEVER DO BETTER THAN THIS. What if that’s the best I can do? What if that’s the best relationship I can ever have? And really, that thought is probably the single thing that kept me feeling stuck there, for the longest time, more than anything else. The lack of self worth. That I can’t do better, that I can’t have the best relationship with anyone, let alone with myself.
In order to be able to follow my heart, and do what I really wanted, which is actually not to be with someone else, but to be able to feel free on all levels to be myself and not like I’m the outsider or the weirdo or the black sheep..even within my marriage – the one that’s a little bit DIFFERENT. And WHY CAN’T YOU BE HAPPY when on the surface, everything looks amazing.
So it was a matter of letting go of those ideas – those long held beliefs that I’m only worth a certain amount. I’m not worthy of my wildest most crazy dreams, whether it be in a relationship, or just for myself. Things that I want for me in life, things I want to achieve, who I want to be, and who do I want to be I want be myself on all levels.
Bottom line is – taking a leap to follow your heart is not easy.
I’ll tell you what’s harder – staying in a situation where you’re not happy.
I know that I was never in physical danger, or verbally or emotionally. To the outside world, I would look like the crazy person to not want to be where I was but you know what? The heart wants what the heart wants and it’s not anything to do with being in a better relationship with someone else, but it’s about being in a better relationship with myself. And I couldn’t be that if I was in a situation that had me felling less than.
Nobody forced me to be there, it was all me, but it was just that long held belief that “this is the best you can do’ and I’m telling you – it’s not the truth! It’s a big ball of lies that we tell ourselves, whatever the situation is, I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not thin enough, whatever enough.
Am I done with that work? No. Not by a long shot. BUT I am leaps and bounds from where I was even a year ago.
So to sum up…keep doing the work, do the self inquiry, get help, talk to people that you trust – and sometimes, some of your friends, are maybe not going to be with you on some of these issues – and while we’re on the topic, it’s actually OK to outgrow your friends too. Because sometimes our friends want us to be where we are for them. Because if we change, then maybe the way they look at things has to change as well, and not everybody is ready for that. So things will fall away when you change your job, when you leave a relationship, when you improve the relationship with yourself, things will change and it won’t always feel nice at the time, but you know what, it’s SO SO SO worth it! It’s worth it not knowing where I was going to be living at one point, still so worth it.
So. Do the work. Have a look at where you are. Are you happy? Are you really really happy? Are you satisfied? If you can’t honestly answer to all of those things YES, I’m so happy, I’m on my path, I’m happy, I’m satisfied, I wouldn’t change a goddamned thing. If you can’t do that, then perhaps it’s time to start looking at what would make you happy, what would make you satisfied. And sometimes you don’t know the answers right away, but if you know that where you are is not exactly where you want it be, if you’re putting wishes into the healing circles each week that are pretty much the same, maybe instead of wishing for things to change, start taking steps to make changes. And then ask for support, while making those changes.